I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
You Might Also Like
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.