Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I think I’m having a stroke
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?