Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
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Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
The legends speak of a third Duran…
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully