Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My Guy
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.