There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.