Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
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In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Breaking news:
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.