My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
You Might Also Like
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Life is a suicide mission.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.