RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what