Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
i love meeting boys on tinder
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.