Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
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doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Has science gone too far?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
$3 #books
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Check your privilege
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.