*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
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Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.