Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Hotels are back
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
This raises questions
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight