[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
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I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay