me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.