Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
You Might Also Like
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
NASA has no chill