Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.