I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.