Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
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*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.