I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
You Might Also Like
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Europe. Made in Germany.
why am I working on Labor Day
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.