The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
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Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera