Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
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Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…