Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer