Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Introverted vegans go meetless
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I hate my earbuds.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
“i miss shittin on people”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.