Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.