Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
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My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.