Air conditioning – not a fan
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Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
who named him groot and not spruce lee
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!