Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!