[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you