Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?