We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
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She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
What about second breakfast?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.