[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
screw you
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet