Yoga Matt
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[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race