“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
When the stylist spins you back around
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Who called it baking and not making love
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Good boy 😂😂
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.