Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up