I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I know a bad idea when I see one.