Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Baller is short for ballerina
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????