ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.