[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
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“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
You sure about that?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice