Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
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You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Easy enough.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No