*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
You Might Also Like
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.