it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.