When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.