Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
You Might Also Like
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Stop sending me this shit.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE