We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
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my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.