My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow