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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Meow
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Poetry is my passion
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up