I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭