Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
You Might Also Like
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
fourth time’s the charm
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?