A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.