If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
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Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
😲 WTF? 😆
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet